Jokes time

*Break Into the House*

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no,no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

*Lost Wife*

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*Teacher*

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*Hearing*
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I havn't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*Wedding*
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment,then said, " So, why is the groom wearing black?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
* Dream*

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"

With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - " The meaning of Dreams".

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The gods own country - Kerala

Mask for oily skin

Cucumber face pack:
Ingredients:

1. One tablespoon of cucumber juice.
2. One tablespoon of mint juice.
3. Half teaspoon of peppermint extract

Mix all the ingredients together and apply this on the face. Leave it for drying. Then wash off with lukewarm water. This face pack is very effective for oily skin.

Egg face pack:
Ingredients:

1. Egg white of one egg
2. Half tablespoon of water.
3. One teaspoon of multani mitti.
4. Half teaspoon of peppermint extract.

Soak multani mitti powder in water for half an hour. Beat the egg and blend all the ingredients together. Also mix the soaked multani mitti powder in the mixture. Apply this on the face for 15 minutes. Then wash off with lukewarm water.

Potato face pack:
Ingredients:

1. One teaspoon of potato juice.
2. One teaspoon of multani mitti.

Blend both the ingredients together and apply on the face. Leave it until it dries. Then wash with lukewarm water. Finally, rinse with cold water

Papaya face pack:
Apply 2 tablespoons of papaya pulp on your face and let it dry. Then wash off with lukewarm water. One can also mix lemon juice in it.

Honest answers which are never told during an interview

Honest answers which are never told during an interview:

• Why did you apply for this job?
• I have applied for many jobs along with this one and it’s just that you called me first.

• Why do you want to work for this company?
• I have to work for some company, whoever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.

• Why should I hire you?
• You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

• What would you do if this happened?
• Well, it depends on my mindset and mood in that situation...

• What is your biggest strength?
• I dare to join any company who pays me well, without thinking about the fate of company.

• What is your biggest weakness?
• Girls

• What was your worst mistake and how did you learn from it?
• Joining my earlier company and I learnt that I need to switch my job to get more money, so I am here today.

• What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
• Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.

• Describe a challenge that you faced and how did you overcome it?
• Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.

• Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
• For the same reason why you left your previous job.

• What do you want from this job?
• No work and good hikes.

• What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
• Making more money and for that I keep switching jobs every two years.

• What do you know about our company?
• I knew you will ask me this question. So, I've gone through your website.

• What salary are you expecting?
• Well, no one will change his job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting right now. I know you will bargain on whatever I ask.So I have already hiked my current salary by 30%.

Little Sumo fighters

How to make a good resume

Is it the salad itself or the dressing used and the way it is presented that makes the dish more appealing? The analogy, and the answer, are apt when it comes to discussing a resume as well.

The perfect resume must excel in both content and format. Spruce your resume with these simple, effective tips and you will definitely get those interview calls.

What a resume is not

• It is not a biography.
• It is not a statement of purpose listing your short-term and long-term goals.
• It should not just be a long list of landmarks in your professional career.

Think from a recruiter's point of view

Your potential employer may not have enough time on his or her hands to read a 10-page masterpiece, so ensure your resume does not extend beyond a couple of pages. Leading newspapers have realised not all their readers have the time to read each and every article, which is why you see the present trend of using summary boxes for long-winded articles.

When you draft your resume, think from a recruiter's point of view. Provide information that a prospective employer needs to know and not the kind of information you want him/ her to read.

An oft-quoted line amongst book critics is that Bill Clinton's autobiography, My Life, was a 1,000-page book that had everything in it except what people really wanted to know. Keep this in mind when you are drafting your resume.

The purpose of a resume

A resume or curriculum vitae is a window to you, your personality and your skill sets. Its raison d'etre is to convince a recruiter that you deserve to be called for an interview. It should present you in the best possible light and convince a prospective employer that you can add value to the company.It should tantalise enough to make an employer pick up the phone and dial your number. Your resume should not simply inform; it should also excite a would-be employer.

The resume can also act as a sample of your skills. If done well, it can show how you can organise a large amount of data in a few words. It can also showcase your skills if you plan to opt for a career in designing, advertising or copywriting.

Summary

Here are points you must definitely include:

i. Experience in your profession

Give valuable insights; for example, if you are in the advertising industry, you could mention the big players and important names you have worked with.

ii. Skills gained in the field

Apart from skills you are expected to gain in your field of work, do highlight skills you may have picked up as extras. For example, if you are a teacher, your expected skills would include your command over the language concerned, the ability to handle students and your knowledge about the subject concerned.However, if you are also involved in organising workshops for teachers, you can also mention your ability to organise events and liaison effectively.

iii. General skills

This could include interpersonal skills, a knowledge of computers, etc. If you know computer packages apart from MS Office, such as Photoshop and Adobe page maker, and if you know how to make a Powerpoint presentation, do mention it. Many recruiters are on the look out for personnel who can multi-task.

iv. Accomplishments in concrete terms

Mention successful projects that you have handled/ been part of.Focus on career progression, especially if you have been promoted in a short space of time.If you have won any award or citation such as Best Employee Of The Month, mention it; this will present you in a positive light.

v. Academic record

Give your record in reverse chronological order, mentioning your most recent qualification first.

Packaging and content

Packaging is as important as content -- both should go hand in hand.

• Your name, address, telephone number and e-mail address should lead your resume.


• The format you use should be consistent. Do not use too many stylistic fonts and don't change the font size too often.


• The first impression is the last impression, so the first few lines must be really impressive. List about three to four major skills and two achievements in the first summary section. The qualities you focus on should be compelling, not generalised.


• Using a job objective as a starting point is a good focal point. Here is an example:Job objective: Senior-level assignments in the area of logistics and supply chain management in the Office Automation, IT/ Telecom industry in a dynamic organisation.


• What a prospective employer really wants to know is what you can do for them. Instead of just listing your achievements, try and tailor your resume to the needs of the company concerned. It may simply mean changing a few lines here and there on a resume you have already created.


• Don't be too humble. You have to sell yourself. Nobody else is going to do it for you. Give concrete achievements. For example, if you increased sales by six percent or created a database of clients, mention it instead of making generalised statements like 'used problem-solving skills' or 'created aggressive marketing strategies' that do not speak of actual results.


• If you have progressed up the ladder in a particular company, you need to point this out. For example, if you joined as a trainee and were then promoted to a managerial level within two years, mention it instead of simply saying you are a manager.

What to avoid

• Lousy spellings are a real put-off. Talk about your career prospects instead of your 'carrier' prospects.


• Standardise your language. Use either American English or British English, not a sprinkling of both.


• Don't exaggerate your skills. It may get you the job, but you will have difficulty retaining the post if you cannot deliver.


• Don't talk about unrealistic goals: 'I want to progress from a cub reporter to a reporter independently handling a political beat' is realistic, while 'I aim to be editor of the newspaper soon,' is highly unrealistic.
  
  Happy job hunting!

Some of the best slogans

• Advertisement In A Long Island Shop: Guitar, for sale....... Cheap...........no strings attached
• Advertisement In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!
• Seen on a bulletin board: Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.
• When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...I Gave Up Reading.
• My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses... He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.
• You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick.. Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off .
• Sign In A Bar: "Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance.
• Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.
• Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.
• The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.
• Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.
• Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You sleep Alone.
• The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.
• Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit: We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.
• A Traffic Slogan: Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough Or Else They Will Never Be.
• Sign In A Restaurant: All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.
• Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window: Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here. She May Be Your Grandmother !